What is NY Cares?

New York Cares “meets pressing community needs by mobilizing caring New Yorkers in volunteer service”.  Founded by a group of friends, New York Cares brings support to nearly 1000 nonprofits, public schools, etc.  More than 43,000 New Yorkers donate time to NY Cares every year, serving organizations in all five boroughs.

Why Should I Volunteer with NY Cares?

New York Cares offers you the opportunity to choose from hundreds of short term projects to find ones that meet your interests- everything from socializing dogs to reading to the elderly to painting murals in schools.  You can meet all sorts of people and try out different kinds of volunteer work without making a long term commitment.

How Do I Get Started?

First, you must register on NY Cares and sign up for an orientaion session.  After that, you’re free to sign up for as many projects as you can responsibly handle.

Happy Volunteering!

What is the Upright Citizens Brigade?

Founded by Matt Besser, Amy Poehler, Ian Roberts, and Matt Walsh, the UCB offers top-rate comedy seven days a week for a very affordable rate.  The shows are usually $10, $5, or FREE.  Unlike many other clubs, there’s no drink minimum.  There are theatres in New York and Los Angeles.  The New York Club is a 150-seat theatre located at 307 West 26th Street.

Why should I go?

Umm do you not understand FREE?  Check out their philosophy:

Our all ages venue offers big names for small change: Robin Williams, Mike Myers, Will Ferrell, Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey and Conan O’Brien have each appeared in shows at UCB Theatre for no more than $8 per ticket. UCB Theatre’s improv, stand-up and sketch comedy shows also regularly feature rising talent culled from our signature training center.

The two new SNL cast members this season were trained at UCB.  I rest my case.

What should I know before I go?

Their shows often sell out so check out the schedule and make reservations for your party ahead of time.  They take cash only so hit up the ATM on the way over.  Oh, and if you make a reservation, actually keep it or you get put on their “we no like you” list.  And, as many of the shows are late at night, I shouldn’t have to say this, but these really aren’t kids show.  Leave little Jamel and Kerri at home (notice I didn’t say Johnie and Sally, I’m so PC).

1. Shop in the juniors section.  They make pre-teen trends in really big sizes now because of America’s obesity epidemic.  And of course, if it comes in your size and you can squeeze that last button shut, it must look good on you.  Bring on the size 15 mini skirts and tube tops!  Wearing junior clothes, like bright skinny denim or tiny t-shirts that scream “Abercrombie” across the chest, will obviously confuse people into thinking you are your daughter’s age.

2. If something still fits, it must still look hot and trendy.  High waisted acid-wash jeans that double as a bra, crop tops, overalls, bell bottoms, army print items, things that lace up, anything puffy, and fashions featured in 80′s teen movies fall into this catagorie.

3. When it comes to hair, ignore these silly new trends like timeless bob cuts and subtle waves.  80′s perms, mullets, generally overprocessed hair, and trashy chunk highlights are great ones to stick to.  The fact that the people who made these cuts popular now qualify for the AARP is irrelevant.

4. Remember, busy patterns like yellow and black checks, psychadelic patterns, etc. are always slimming.

5. It’s always better to squeeze into a size 8, even if the size 12 fits better.

6. Seasonal clothing is always appropriate.  Socks with little candy corns or Santa Clauses on them make you look young and hip.  While we’re on the subject, socks should never be hidden in the shoes like all those crazy young folk wear them today.  You paid $2.44 at Walmart for those tube socks, show them off to the world.

7. Sweatpants are always appropriate for running errands.  Taking the two seconds to throw on jeans and flats and brush your hair makes it look like you’re trying too hard.

8. With regard to make-up, you have two options: 1. None at all (hey, you earned that blotchy skin) or 2. More is more.  Eyeliner, teal eyeshadow, fake eyelashes, fake nails, and bright orange lipstick will never go out of style.

9. Taking little Jimmy and Sue to 50 different activities that they don’t want to do justifies not having time for the gym.  Sure, Mommy looks like a blob and will die by age 50, but the important thing is Jimmy can play the oboe AND do karate.

10. Bathing suits: If you have a hot body still, by all means don’t show it off.  Baggy skirted suits do wonders to hide your figure and self-respect.  On the other hand, if you’ve gained 50 pounds and had four kids by c-section since high school, by all means keep wearing the same metallic string bikini.   They’re made to adjust for size, just add shoelace extendeders and you’re good to go.  Besides, that new spare tire you’ve gained doubles as a floatation device.

For example, before I met my amazing roommate, I talked to a guy with ferrets (yes, plural), a older dude who I’m pretty sure shoots soft-core porn in his apartment to buy stuff for his imported Russian girlfriend, and a shy Asian girl who wanted to know if I would be okay with an apartment-wide lights off by 9pm every night.  So, for those of you sifting through the wonderful and terrifying world of Craigslist, here is a translation of some of the more common phrases used to trick unwary NYC apartment hunters.  Enjoy.

commuting distance- jersey

convenient to… within a hundred mile radius of…

cozy- so small you can take a casserole out of the oven while standing in the shower

easy walk-up- For Olympians.  You may need some adjustment to carrying groceries up nine stories.

exposed brick- because the dry wall is crumbling

great view!- of that guy who talks to himself and several lovely dumpsters

lots of potential- just this side of a Superfund site

must love cats- I have 12.

must love dogs- I have several of those dogs that a Frisbee could crush to death.  I think its cute when they pee on your bed.

near the subway- so long as you enjoy walking forty minutes every morning

park view- if you count the potted plant on the fire escape

pre-war- not renovated since 1920

room large enough for normal bedroom set- so long as you enjoy walking on your dresser

roommate has an active alternative social life- planning to have loud sex in public areas and then call you homophobic when you protest

safe neighborhood! heavy police presence- the NYPD are there for a reason

too new for pictures- I’ll never rent this if you actually see what it looks like

updated kitchen- now with a newfangled icebox in avacado

1. Heels are not appropriate. Ever.

If stilettos are the only shoes that go with your outfit, your outfit isn’t either.  Baseball games are outdoor sporting events.  There may be rain, spilled beers, muddy ground, etc.  Sneakers and flip flops are acceptable.  Prada is not.

2. If you no longer weigh what you did in high school, buy new clothing.

This goes for men and women (well, I guess #1 could too): No one can see the size tag on your clothing.  We can, however, see your beer gut or muffin top hanging out.  Tube tops should not come in plus sizes.  Similarly, muscle shirts are intended for men with muscles.  Who would have thought?

3. If you attempt to wear Yankees apparel at Fenway or Red Soxs clothing at Yankee Stadium, the police should not be responsible for your personal safety.

Darwin called this ‘natural selection’.  NOTE: This rule is voided if and only if the two teams are playing each other.

4. The New York Giants are not a baseball team.

We are watching baseball tonight.  Therefore, football, soccer, wrestling, hockey shirts, etc. make you look like an ignorent dumbass.  If you don’t have a baseball related shirt, either buy one or wear the team colors.

5. Sunscreen is hot.

The lobster look is not.

6. I reserve the right to use your cell phone for batting practice.

If you don’t want to come to the game that badly, don’t.  Let someone else have your 50-million-dollar seat.  Preferably someone who understands that there is no half-time involved in baseball.

7. Sunglasses are appropriate during the day (that is when the ‘sun’ is out)

If your name is not Kanye West, you cannot pull off the sunglasses-at-night look.  You are just not that cool.  Sorry.

8. Phillies= don’t.

Enough said.

Admittedly the summer is not finished yet, but as July winds down, most of the big summer movies have already been in theatres for several weeks.  Summer 2009′s best offerings (sorted by cumulative gross as of 7.24.9):

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Megan Fox.  Shia LaBeouf.  Need I say more?   Sam (LaBeouf) and impossibly hot girlfriend Mikaela (Fox) join together with the Autobots once again against the Decepticons.

Rated: PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi action violence, language, some crude and sexual material, and brief drug material.

Up

Disney-Pixar has yet to make a bad movie, and Up proves to be one of their best yet.  The animated comedy is about a grumpy old man and his adventures with a young boy that give him a new lease on life.

PG for some peril and action

Star Trek

James Kirk and Spock must put aside their differences in this big screen adaptation of the cult-favorite television series.  The movie is a prequel, explaining how Captain Kirk becomes Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise.  Mind blowing special effects and a first rate class make this a must-see movie.  Warning: the beginning is sad, I may have cried.

PG-13 for sci-fi action and violence and brief sexual content

The Hangover

Absolutely hilarious, Hangover is the story of 3 guys who, after a night of partying at a bachelor’s party in Las Vegas, wake up with no memory of the night before and no idea where the groom is.  I’ve seen this three times already and still laugh the whole way through.  What happens in Vegas…

R for pervasive language, sexual content including nudity, and some drug material.

X-men Origins: Wolverine

Fans of the X-men series will love the newest installment about Wolverine’s romantic and violent past.

PG-13 for intense sequences of action and violence, and some partial nudity.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

The film adaptation of Harry’s sixth year at Hogwarts may be the best yet.  Both the characters and the cast are maturing and the plot and dialogues reflect this.  Note: This is rated PG but is too scary for many young kids.

PG for scary images, some violence, language and mild sensuality.

The Proposal

A predictable yet funny and enjoyable romantic comedy about a high-powered boss, Margaret, who faces deportation to Canada.  She demands that her long-abused assistant, Andrew, marry her so she can stay in the country.  As they head up to Alaska to visit his family, hilarity ensues as the two fall in love.  Definitely a chick flick, but funny enough that your guy can be bribed along.

PG-13 for sexual content, nudity, and language.

Terminator Salvation

Christian Bale shines as John Conner, who is struggling to lead humanity’s war against the machines.  The arrival of a stranger, Marcus Wright (played by Sam Worthington), either from the past or the future, forces Conner to question all he knows in a race to save humanity.

PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi violence and action and language.

Public Enemies

The always fantastic Johnny Jepp stars as John Dillinger, the gangster whose charm and skill endeared him to almost everyone in America during the great depression. But when J. Edgar Hoover declares him America’s first Public Enemy Number One, a series of battles of force and wit ensue between Dillinger and his gang and Melvin Purvis and the newly formed FBI.

R for gangster violence and some language.

The Stoning of Soraya M

A woman’s story about her neice’s murder “exposes the dark power of mob rule, uncivil law, and the utter lack of human rights for women under Islamic law.”  A harrowing account of the horrors women still face today.

R for a disturbing sequence of cruel and brutal violence, and brief strong language.

1.  F my Life

• The concept is simple.  Poor souls tell us why their lives suck, starting with Today… and ending with FML.
• Example: “Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she’s looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I’m going to medical school. FML”
  

2.  Texts From Last Night

• The site’s motto is “Remember that text you shouldn’t have sent last night? We do”.  Whether you’re still living through nights of beer pong and mornings of walks of shame or you’ve allegedly matured past that, you’ll enjoy hearing the best (and worst) of what happened last night.
• (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star…
• (440): The ticket read “Found nude in a tree”
• (310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
• (831): theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
• oh the wonderful debauchery…

3. Stuff White People Like

• Another wordpress blog (like yours truly) that explains important details about white people, like why coffee is not just a beverage, the merits of Bob Marley, and why having gay friends is essential to being accepted in white people circles.  It reminds me of The Official Preppy Handbook by Lisa Birnbach, an underated classic that weighs in on the merits of the duck motif, the many virtues of pink and green and why “summer” is in fact a verb.  I come from a New England family, so this reads like a cheeky little field guide on how to survive family reunions.
• Topics cover everything that white people like, from #124 Hating People Who Wear Ed Hardy to #108 Appearing to Enjoy Classical Music

4. The Darwin Awards

• “A Chronicle of Enterprising Demises: Honoring those who improve the species…by accidentally removing themselves from it!”
• For example, take the tale of Wrong Time, Wrong Place, about a young thief and his first and final attempt to rob a gun store.

5. Fail Blog

• Ah, the wonderful Fail Blog, where you can view many epic FAIL’s and WIN’s.  Often off-color and always amusing, Fail Blog alone provides enough entertainment for several nights of procrascination.
• One of the tamer ones:

6. Pundit Kitchen

• Recaptioned political and news photos that make for a world of LOL

7. Roflrazzi

• Same concept as Pundit Kitchen, icanhascheezburger, and ihasahotdog, but with celebs
• Por ejemplo:

8. The Onion

• Offers hard-hitting journalism on important topics such as the Internet’s 12th Website

9. Post Secret

• I’ll refer to the All-American rejects to explain this one (don’t judge me):
• I’ll keep you my dirty little secret,
  (Dirty little secret)
  Don’t tell anyone or you`ll be just another regret,
  (Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
  My dirty little secret,
  Who has to know?

10. Go Comics

• Remember reading the Sunday comics every weekend as a kid?  This site offers many of your favorite comic strips online, including Garfield, For Better or For Worse, Foxtrot, Shoe, and many others.

11. Google Fight

• Enter two keywords, for example your name and your annoying cubicle mate’s, and watch two little stick figures duke it out.  Whoever has the most hits on google wins.  Strangely addicting.

12. Overheard in New York

• Anyone who’s ever had to ride the subway daily knows that some people have no inhabititions of what they’ll discuss in public (I really don’t need to hear about the aftermath of your colon surgery, thanks).  And also, some people are just truly stupid.  Example (overheard on the 6 train):
• Girl: He had Tetris.
  Guy: Tetris?
  Girl: You know, when you twitch involuntarily.
  Guy: Oh, you mean Tourette’s syndrome!

13. College Humor

• Crude? yes. Awesome? duh.  This little mecca of procrascination includes photos, videos, articles, and links to other sites to further prevent you from actually reading Moby-Dick.  Spark-notes?

14. TWSS Stories

• After many fruitless attempts to break my guy friends of the “That’s What She Said” habit, I have given up and come to see its value.
• The site’s motto “We promise to leave you smiling and satisfied”
• TWSS

15. Snopes

• Let’s you look up or browse urban legends from Aladdin telling teenagers to take off their clothes (false) to Charlie Chaplin losing a Charlie Chaplin Look-alike contest (true)

(1) But I do recommend it.  It’s nice to know that someone’s life somewhere is more screwed up than yours.

(2) For the record, I haven’t yet finished either, despite the best efforts of my Sunday school teachers as a child.  I will soon though, and you should too.  I have read every other book on this list.

Anyway, the books, in order by author’s last name…

Things Fall Apart Chinua Achebe
Watership Down Richard Adams
Little Women Louisa May Alcott
Paula Isabel Allende
The Epic of Gilgamesh Anon
Confessions St. Augustine
Pride and Prejudice Jane Austin
Love, Lucy Lucille Ball
Peter Pan J.M. Barrie
Ficciones Jorge Luis Borges
Fahrenheit 451 Ray Bradbury
The Last Unicorn Peter Beagle
Wuthering Heights Emily Bronte
A Clockwork Orange Anthony Burgess
Breakfast at Tiffany’s Truman Capote
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland Lewis Carroll
Don Quixote Miguel de Cervantes
The Awakening Kate Chopin
2001: A Space Odyssey Arthur C. Clark
The Heart of Darkness Joseph Conrad
Jurassic Park Michael Chricton
Divine Comedy Dante
The Origin of Species Charles Darwin
Robinson Crusoe Daniel Defoe
The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao Junot Diaz
A Christmas Carol Charles Dickens
A Tale of Two Cities Charles Dickens
Crime and Punishment Fyodor Dostoyevsky
The Complete Sherlock Holmes Arthur Conan Doyle
The Count of Monte Cristo Alexander Dumas
Middlemarch George Eliot
The Great Gatsby F. Scott Fitzgerald
This Side of Paradise F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Diary of a Young   Girl Anne Frank
The Lord of the Flies William Golding
The Wind in the Willows Kenneth Grahame
Black Like Me John Howard Griffin
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time Mark Haddon
The Scarlet Letter Nathaniel Hawthorne
Catch-22 Joseph Heller
The Sun Also Rises Ernest Hemmingway
The Illiad Homer
The Oydessey Homer
Les Miserables Victor Hugo
Bloodsworth Tim Junkin
The Trial Franz Kafka
The Story of My Life Helen Keller
Flowers for Algernon Daniel Keyes
The Shining Steven King
A Separate Peace John Knowles
A Wrinkle in Time Madeleine L’Engle
To Kill a Mockingbird Harper Lee
The Phantom of the Opera Gaston Leroux
Stepford Wives Ira Levin
The Chronicles of Narnia C.S. Lewis
The Screwtape Letters C.S. Lewis
The Giver Lois Lowry
Lilith George MacDonald
Nectar in a Sieve Kamala Markandaya
One Hundred Years of Solitude Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Atonement Ian McEwan
The Story We Find Ourselves In Brian McLaren
Moby-Dick Herman Melville
Gone With the Wind Margaret Mitchell
A Beautiful Mind Sylvia Nasar
Memoirs Pablo Neruda
Mutiny on the Bounty Charles Nordhoff & James Hall
1984 George Orwell
Animal Farm George Orwell
A Child Called It Dave Pelzer
My Sister’s Keeper Jodi Picoult
Wild Magic Tamora Pierce
The Bell Jar Sylvia Plath
The Republic Plato
Great Tales and Poems Edgar Allen Poe
The Tell-Tale Heart and Other Writings Edgar Allen Poe
Northern Lights Phillip Pullman
Robin Hood Howard Pyle
Anthem Ayn Rand
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone J.K. Rowlings
The Catcher in the Rye J.D. Salinger
Hamlet William Shakespeare
Julius Caesar William Shakespeare
Romeo and Juliet William Shakespeare
The Jungle Upton Sinclair
Oedipus Rex Sophocles
Uncle Tom’s Cabin Harriet Beecher Stowe
Gulliver’s Travels Jonathan Swift
The History of the Peloponnesian War Thucydides
The Hobbit JRR Tolkien
The Lord of the Rings JRR Tolkien
The Story of the Trapp Family Singers Maria Augusta Trapp
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn Mark Twain
The Prince and the Pauper Mark Twain
Journey to the Centre of the Earth Jules Verne
Holy Bible Various Authors
The Color Purple Alice Walker
Charlotte’s Web E.B. White
The Sword in the Stone T.H. White
The Picture of Dorian Gray Oscar Wilde

Thoughts?

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.” -Syndey Harris
“To my mind, the life of a lamb is no less precious than that of a human being.  I should be unwilling to take the life of a lamb for the sake of the human body.” -Mahatma Gandhi

“”The time has come,” the Walrus said,
“To talk of many things:
Of shoes–and ships–and sealing-wax–
Of cabbages–and kings–
And why the sea is boiling hot– And whether pigs have wings.” -Lewis Carroll

Sweat cleanses from the inside. It comes from places a shower will never reach.
- George Sheehan

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. -André Gide

I don’t want people who want to dance, I want people who have to dance.  ~George Balanchine

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
– Confucius

“There are clubs you can’t belong to, neighborhoods you can’t live in, schools you can’t get into, but the roads are always open.”   – Nike

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. -Ambrose Redmoon

I’ll give a proper introduction of who I am and why you should listen to me soon.